July 07, 2005
Green-Eyed Monster
So, is jealousy in a relationship a good thing or a bad thing?
Like many of us, I grew up with those mostly black and white Sunday afternoon movies filled with gallant and charming men fighting for the affection and honor of not only their respective countries, but of their lady loves.
To my adolescent mind, proper behavior for a suitor was to express rage and jealousy when other would-be suitors approached.
As I wrote in a guest-post (What a Woman Wants) over at WitNit's a couple weeks ago:
When I was a teenager, I wanted a boy to like me and want to take care of me. I wanted a boy to hold my hand, adorn me with his letter jacket and class ring, and let all the world know he thought I was pretty terrific. I wanted to belong to someone.
At eighteen, I had my first "boyfriend," a twenty-five-year-old who not only took a proprietary interest in me, but would fight at the drop of a hat to assert and protect it. Rather than feel cherished by his jealous fits, I was reduced to nothing more than chattel.
I learned through that experience and others, jealousy is no more than an expression of insecurity, not love or affection.
Now, is that to say I have never felt jealous? Not at all.
I have been jealous more than once in a relationship. I do think it is a natural human response and emotion; however, I also recognize when I feel it, I am feeling insecure about something or someone.
Conversely, to have my significant other show a small flash of jealously when another has expressed an interest in me has been a shot to the old ego; however, purposefully setting out to evoke that response in a significant other is just down right manipulative.
Whether a couple is married or not, relationships are hard.
When I first married, I admit, I was less than secure about a lot of things. At the time, the husband was away several days each week on overnight business trips. There was all manner of folly in which he could have participated and I would have been none the wiser.
Going against my passionate and paranoid nature and getting a handle on my own insecurities, I decided to take his trustworthiness on faith, more for my sake than his. I did not want to spend my time consumed with where he was or what he was doing and with whom he was doing it.
I simply vowed to myself and him, if he proved untrustworthy, more than one head would roll.
Perhaps (big smile) I just might prefer to indulge in vengence than jealousy.
For more enlightening and entertaining thoughts on this subject, please visit the ladies: Silk, Kathy, Sadie, and Guest Divaesque Lady Joan, as well as the gentlemen: Naked Villainy, Phin, Puffy, and The Wizard.
Posted by Christina at July 7, 2005 06:23 AMTrackBack URL for this entry:
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Quite right dear, I believe vengence is a far healthier thing. I feel that being eaten from the inside out by a green eyed mosnter is far less productive than a little swift retribution.
Posted by: silk at July 7, 2005 07:42 AMYou are indeed right. Jealousy is a wasted and destructive emotion that can cause irreparable damage to a relationship.
I was NEVER -- ever -- a jealous woman. And then I met the Love Of My Life.
Apparently, I wasn't ever invested enough before to be slightly neurotic.
*giggles*
Seriously -- I have always felt it was a measure of your own insecurity to be a jealous person. But I simply cannot deny the fact that I am so attached to my love that I can feel threatened when I am feeling insecure. Fortunately, my DH understands me like no other. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and he doesn't take advantage, he just knows.
Thank goodness. Because I don't want to have to find the cast-iron frying pan. Aheh.
Posted by: Margi at July 7, 2005 12:59 PMThis reminds me of the old anecdote of the wealthy matron and the young bride discussing the problems of jealousy/infidelity, and the old woman was asked if she ever considered divorcing her husband, The reply:
"Divorce, never. Homicide, several times..."
Though meant in humor, the vengeance mode mentioned we have seen is not always so pretty (the ALLEGED OJ motive, for instance).
Where does that leave us? I belong to the "Forgive, maybe, forget, never" club.
Posted by: epador at July 7, 2005 07:26 PMI feel the same. I have said to my spouse, "If you cheat, I do not want to know. If you cheat, it is your awful secret to live with until the day you die. If I find out, I'll cut your heart out with a spoon while you sleep."
I am not a jealous person, but should something happen that I feel threatened, he knows he BEST listen to me, as my 6th sense is very keen.
Posted by: Bou at July 7, 2005 11:42 PM