Feisty Repartee

Sister or Mother?

OMG, OMG, OMG.

It is so difficult being the oldest sister sometimes. The youngest one sees you as a parent and you get put in all of these awkward situations. Awkward and blush-worthy and way-way-way-too-much-information.

My mother and SpySistah are hiking through the Grand Canyon, totally incommunicado, so it is up to me to deal with the issues that come up with baby sister who is a Sophmore in College.

Read the rest of the blush-worthy details below.

My little sister is 14 years younger than me. She has a lot of different ideas that I don't share. I think she is young; she thinks I am old. I think she is a bit wild, irresponsible at times, and a tad naive for all her cyber-wisdom. She thinks I'm a repressed, stuck-in-the-mud, over-bearing fuddy-duddy (though she would never use any of those words).

My mother is not reachable by phone these days, nor is our other sister. And, for this problem, Baby Sister's papa is definitely not the person to call.

Obviously this has to do with sex.

Baby sister called me the other day worried about a bump in a region well south of the Mason-Dixon Line, if you know what I mean. I urged her to go to the university clinic. She did so today. She called me crying. So now, having urged her (responsibly, I think) to see a doctor, it is now up to me to deal with the rest of the mess.

The doctor was concerned. The doctor ran a series of tests, the results of which won't be known for a week. The doctor prescribed treatment. Now, my little sister is worried, fretting, crying, and concerned about all those things you'd expect. Or, maybe not, but we'll get back to that in a minute.

My first job, as I saw it, was to get her calmed down. She made me promise not to tell mom (of course). She asked me what to do. I told her to take the medicine until we know the test results, but not to get overwrought (as much as possible). I told her to not be sexually active until we know something for certain. I told her to relax and be responsible. I told her that, no matter what, I love her.

And then I started asking her about where she might have gotten it.

She's been with her current boyfriend for about a month. Before that, she had a six-month relationship with a guy, but there was a couple of months between the two - no overlap. The current guy says he was "checked" in February and came back "clean." And, he says that he's only had protected sex since, except with her. (Yeah, riiiight. Ladies are you thinking what I'm thinking? Gentlemen?)

She was asymptomatic until very recently. Which is not to say that it couldn't be dormant before, but it is suspicious. And that whole line about using protection except with her makes me very very suspicious but only because I've known a few 20-something boys in my time here on Earth. So, I suggested to her that if she has been infected he is the likely culprit. I also expressed, gently, that if he was the culprit he isn't good boyfriend material.

"Why?" She asked.

"Because if he infected you he lied to you either about being clean or the protected sex thing."

"I see what you mean," she said.

Now I'm worried. I urged her to have a full screening done, including HIV, and she said the doctor already did that today. I can't decide if it is more important for me to tell my mom before or after she gets the claim on the insurance. My little sister thinks she can keep this from my mom, but if my mom even checks her mail, she'll get something on the doctor's visit. I don't want to violate my sister's trust, but as a mother, I don't want to keep this from my mom either.

I need to have a long chat with my little sister about the pill only protecting against pregnancy, not all of the other stuff. She really needs to be using more protection. Do I really have to be the one to have this conversation with her?

Apparently.

I don't want to, heaven knows, but it looks like it is on me.

Any suggestions?

For the record, the thing that she was worried about, should the test come back positive, was "How do I date after this?"

To which I eventually responded (after picking my jaw up off of the carpet), "You use protection. You be honest and forthright. Dating isn't all about sex, you know."

I am not ready to parent a teenager, that much is certain.

My Husband is Helping His Friend Cheat

Aren't people funny?

The title of this post is absolutely true, not something just to catch your eye. My husband is helping his friend to cheat...on his diet.

The reason that I am posting this here instead of at the regular place is mostly because the friend's wife reads the other site. And, it is not my place to inform on him if you know what I mean.

More after the jump...

See, the problem is that the friend's wife has him on a diet. But then, she perpetually has him on a diet. But, lest you jump to the wrong conclusions, I must say that they are both perpetually on a diet. And, it is usually some fad diet or another. I'd like to say that they are successful, but they don't seem to be from my point of view (however little that is worth). Could they afford to lose a few pounds? Sure. But they aren't in bad shape at all. Better than most, I daresay.

But, the mother is most definitely the problem in the equation. For one thing, they don't really enjoy themselves when they go out, at least he doesn't anyway. He sneaks over to our house and my husband feeds him ribs or chocolate cake, or whatever else we might have on hand. She knows nothing of this of course.

Now, some might say that I am keeping things from my friend. This argument might hold water if it weren't for the fact that they are both friends of mine and this is an issue in their marriage. I have no say and it is not my place to inform on either of them. The way I figure it, he is an adult and can make his own decisions, as can she. But there is another reason why I don't feel bad about keeping friend's dirty secret.

And that is, she is just bat-crap crazy about food. Case in point: their children. Both of their children are healthy but not overweight. And yet, these kids are hung up on food. The teenager is currently vegan (next month it will be something else) and making her own food (heaven only knows if her parents are monitoring her protein intake) and reading Skinny Bitch, that book Victoria Beckham is making famous. The younger daughter is five or six years old and - I kid you not - freaked out at a local sleepover because there was Splenda "SPLENDA!" in the offered beverage.

"Splenda! Made of Sugar!"

Now, I ask you, is that a healthy response in a 5-year-old? This is the sort of girl who will grow up constantly on a diet, constantly certain that she is overweight, constantly unhappy with her body. Why? Because of her mother. Oh, her father bears some blame in this too, but he has his own issues with the mother, doesn't he?

How do I know all this? Because my mother was this way. She still is. And, I know first hand what it does to a young girl to have a mother who is always telling her she's fat (even when she isn't). It has taken me a long time, but I have finally come to choose happiness and eat smarter. I don't deny myself, but I don't go crazy either. It is a balance. Sure, we could all lose some weight, but then there's no need to get all suicidal about it either.

By the way, the entire neighborhood is participating in the cheating. Other neighbors know the score, but they have also witnessed some of the children's weirdness and equally feel no compunction in keeping the secret.

My own husband fed the friend two pieces of chocolate cake on the sly on Saturday night. Another friend suggested we leave an enchilada on his back porch for a midnight snack. Do I feel guilty? Why should I? I'm not the one making my husband feel like he needs to sneak a piece of cake.